the problem with los angeles is you can't hide hickies with scarves.


matthew | archive |

carving blue foam is so much easier than pumpkins. hazardous to your health, yes, but so much easier.

matthew | archive |

today, on the boulevard, i saw a red z3 hatchback. so wrong, so utterly wrong.

matthew | archive |

i'm sitting on the top step of the spiral staircase in the living room. the room is littered with tea candles--aaron is burning all of them to cleanse his spirit. i'm looking out the window, at the strip. the mondrian is glowing brightly between the argyle and 9000 sunset. an arc light--for they are everywhere in this town--arches back and forth across the sky. carmencita is on the stero, telling me how fickle love is.

and i sit transfixed. watching the playground of los angeles in the distance. i sit in the flickering light looking out at miles and miles of flickering lights. i am waiting. but for what?

matthew | archive |

i was gonna avoid making any jokes, but you made me.

yesterday, i had the great pleasure of having coffee with brian. who knew musicians could be so charming and fun?

afterwards, he showed me his organ. it was impressive in size, but--sadly enough--it was poorly lit.

matthew | archive |

how do rock stars do it?

matthew | archive |

mojitos are deadly, sweet ectasy, but deadly.

matthew | archive |

what I really need to do
is find myself a brand new lover
somebody real nice to me
who doesn't notice all the others
what I really need to do
is find myself a brand new lover

i think yesterday fully crystalized in my head when we were out shakin our groove thangs at ultra suede (80's and 70's night) and i realized that every song they played had been around in my life time. and afterward we sat around recounting all the things that date us--all the weird pop cultural experiences that
our 18 year old breathren will never know.

what was i saying? i dunno....

matthew | archive |

mom's are the best.

just in case, you know, you forgot or something.

matthew | archive |

i think i might be starting up yoga classes again. i just don't have the discipline, nor the experience, to do it on my own. and i figure today, on the eve of one of those arbitrary yet meaningful anniversaries, is a good day to start. my reawakening of mind, body, and soul.

yes, aaron, i am awake. and i don't intend to sleep for a long while.

matthew | archive |

pour ne pas vivre seul
je t'aime et je t'attends
pour avoir l'illusion
de ne pas vivre seul

ah, vive l'illusion!


matthew | archive |

when you sleep for a long time, you have that funny feeling that you missed out on something. unsure of what time and place are.

i feel like i've been sleeping for months. and i just woke up.

matthew | archive |

some people have jealous lovers. others have creditors. maybe it's just the annoying mormon family across the street. you know, those people you can't shake. not exactly stalkers, not exactly strangers.

apparently, jon lithgow is such for me. when i was in cambridge, i couldn't down a champagne flute without turning around and seeing his beaming face everywhere. you'd think he'd owned the place or something (and the loeb experimental theatre will always be creepy to me now that i know what he did there). always in some parade or seminar or board of overseers meeting or some crap...come on jon boy, let go of your college years.

so, i'm here. lovely los angeles. lovely day. two full lithgow-free years behind me. and who comes walking through the sculpture garden with his dog and his paper. yep. mr. despoiler-of-prop-beds himself.

what the hell did i do wrong in a previous life, that's what i wanna know.

matthew | archive |

it's sometimes helpful to leave little notes around the house. for example, you should put up a nice little note next to the shower that says you can change the temperature. cause sometimes, you forget, and you sit under scalding water for five minutes before you're sufficiently awake to realize you're blanching your skin.

the more you know. *shooting star*

matthew | archive |

i've been worshiping horus of late. it's a little miracle to watch the sky change from black to grey to blue. the resurrection of the vanquished sun completes the cycle of birth and death. and my pulse beats faster.

i slept poorly last night. i didn't really sleep at all. my body rebels against the nature of it all, futilely, i suppose. i don't know if karma really affects my soul, but i do know it rules my physical presence. my poor pathetic physique. a collection of miniscule bits of matter clumped together, banging against each other. a low voltage battery slowly discharging its electrons. day by day, piece by piece, returning to the earth--itself spiralling into decay.

tomorrow i may be reduced to nothing. tomorrow you may be gone. tomorrow we may not exist. but know, while i still have lips to speak and you still have ears to hear, that you touched my being. this is not good. this is not bad. it simply is.

matthew | archive |

so....tonight i learn that a former (psycho) flame of mine has been arrested in new york and is now in AA.

and, most importantly, i also learn that one of my best friends is going into surgery tomorrow, the outcome of which is very uncertain. he'll survive, i'm sure, but i don't know exactly in what condition, and i'm afraid.

i'm going to sleep. maybe i'll wake up.

matthew | archive |

six thirty in the ante meridiem. dawn breaks over the san bernadinos. the spice girls wake me up with a plaintive plea.

people of the world, please--spice up your life.

matthew | archive |

now my friends want to set me up. this never ends well.

this is the point in our film where we see a montage of disasterous (yet hilarious) blind dates. and then cut to the lead (that's me!) mock contemplating mock suicide in a quirky, endearing manner. said lead (still me), decides to live but give up entirely on love. within the next ten seconds, lead runs into complete stranger with devilish good looks and a stable career in a creative-but-not-too-avante-garde field, spilling coffee (or, more likely, in this case tea--remember, still me) all over the stranger. the two pick out china patterns the next week. end scene.

matthew | archive |

pay no more mind to what you think you've seen
it's as they do only
say what they say
'cause there's only one way
they-say vision
it takes you back to just where you want
like when you ain't know no way

i want to dive into water. i want to dance all night long to music so loud i can feel it. i want eat until my tongue can taste no more. i want to watch the lights twinkle. i want to run barefoot through groves of oleanders. i want to toast the waning moon with champagne and feel the salt air stick to my skin. squish grapes with my toes and and press my naked body against another.

i want to sense. i don't want to perceive. i want to be a body who has forgotten it has a soul.

matthew | archive |

peter and i confessed our internet crushes du jour to each other tonight. apparently, some of you other guys also had l'amour on the brain. i guess it's that time again: liminal seasons are always good for noticing the holes in ones life.

let's face it. i am lovelorn. which is not to say i'm lacking in love--i got love coming outta my eye sockets. i have a large and close-knit family. i have friends applently (though i'd wish they'd stop moving back to the east coast). what i am missing is a mrs. matteo, or at least some cute thing to ride around on my arm flashing them pearly whites at all the cameras.

i think that was the thing about jimmy (did i tell you about jimmy? no, i don't think i did)--i liked him, there was passion, and even though we were poorly matched in many ways, he offered the possibility of being a we. of course, commitment scares the fuck out of him, and i was getting a little bored, and so it's good that we're now--after much wringing of the hand and turning away of the head--merely plantonic. anyway, even though i wasn't in love and i knew from the beginning that nothing great would come of it, it sated my desires by merely presenting the semblence of a possibility.

can we be satisfied by theory, by faith in what we want to be the inevitible? am i more afraid of dying alone, or living alone? no, i am most afraid of living between love and nothingness--surrounded by love and yet distanced from it. eh. enough. there's been too much talk about love today. let's talk about something else. how about ambivilence?

whatever...

matthew | archive |